Winter and Spring

April 9, 2016Read More

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My Bleeding Hearts

It is April and it is SNOWING outside!?! What is up with this weather?
This has been a little like how I have been feeling lately.  Opposition. Extremes. I am trying to get past some stuff and move on, yet the past keeps coming back around again.  Two steps forward and one step back. Dancing the same dance, but wanting to change the tune. Changing a single step here and there and expecting enormous results. Unrealistic. Seeing where I want to go, but not knowing how to get there exactly. Or why I even want to go in the first place.

Below is a photo I took back in November.  It was a tree that had both spring blooms and fall leaves all at once. That tree was trying to skip two steps.  Sublimation. Today that tree doesn’t look very good.  I guess that is the lesson to be learned.  Everything has an order and you aren’t supposed to defy it.  You have to go through the steps in the order they are meant to go in, and then you get to where you want to be.  You don’t just walk in on the top floor.  You’ve gotta work your way up to it.

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Down the Rabbit Hole

April 3, 2016Read More

DGF_2152So it was just Easter and Spring Break.  I hibernated a little bit. I felt bad not posting, but I didn’t really feel like I had much new to say. I have been stuck lately. I am trying to do some much needed spring cleaning, both mentally and physically, but having a hard time.  I am overwhelmed by the things that surround me, yet I can’t get rid of them.  It is a tricky dichotomy I have found myself caught in. I want to be free of all the ‘stuff,’ but I can’t go through with it and just let go.

I need to clean my office, then I sit down at my desk and my computer beckons, and I can’t account for the last few minutes. One thing I search for leads to another and another and then what do I have to show for myself?  I am driven by a need for productivity. I like to think I am researching for my writing, but it feels more like wasting time.  Facebook and other social media sites are just an endless stream of data. What dribbles out of our ears and lands on the page. Some of it is helpful, some of it documents what we are doing or seeing. I love watching people’s kids grow up and seeing what everyone else is up to.  But then there are so many heartbreaking stories and things happening to good people who don’t deserve them. There is also that urge to compare myself to others, to go for a walk in their shoes. There is also just such a sheer volume of information and articles to read, that it is just not possible to catch it all. I need to disconnect, yet I yearn to connect.

 

 

Too Many Tabs

March 26, 2016Read More

DGF_3883I have too many tabs open. There is a thunderstorm brewing in my iCloud. My computer has been operating at the speed of slow.  It is utterly frustrating. I have let it slide for too long.  About six months to be exact.  I had HUNDREDS of tabs open.  It is kind of shocking and embarrassing. I am a tab hoarder. I have a problem.  There, I have admitted it.  I have multiple devices too.  Two iPads, an iPhone and an iMac. It has all gotten bigger than me. Unmanageable.  I am also struggling under the weight of my photo collection.  It is a metaphor for my mind and my life lately. It is no wonder I am living a split screen existence. With all these programs open and constantly running, it is a huge drain on my energy. Is it possible to go low-tech in such a high-tech world? How many tabs do you keep open?

 

Try Something New, or Tried and True

March 24, 2016Read More

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We are hard wired to form opinions. We are asked for them everywhere we go. We are polled and surveyed, taste-tested and liked.

I am taking a photography class at Longwood Gardens. It is a four week chance to shoot in the Conservatory without the general public milling around. It is after hours and it gets dark. This makes for a very challenging environment. But it also makes for a unique set of opportunities that aren’t usually available.  We have to submit an image to be critiqued by our instructor and the rest of the class. We had a discussion last night about rules. We need rules and structure to prevent chaos and maintain order. But rules are made to be broken. Sometimes you have to go with what moves you.

I try to tell the truth and follow the rules and be good…but where does it get you? Especially when you look around and see others breaking them and getting away with it.

We need to try new things. But old habits die hard. I go back to the same places and take the same pictures and focus on the same things. I order the same food. We revert to comfort and predictability. We tell ourselves the same things over and over.

If we have a good experience, we go back for more and try to repeat it. Not everything can be the best ever. What do you think? Try something new or tried and true?

 

Some Perspective On Where I Am Going

March 23, 2016Read More

DSC01943Modern life is so complicated. We have so many passwords to remember and things to check on: Email, voicemail, snail mail, podcast, simulcast, broadcast. We live in a world of GPS and Navigation. Our technology speaks for us and tells us what to do. We listen to it, sometimes to our own detriment.(Have you seen the warnings about not turning onto train tracks just because the GPS tells you to turn right?) I have been on a quest to find meaning. I google it constantly.  It is tough to get perspective when you are “in” something. Someone else looking at me from a different vantage point can see everything I am doing and quickly and easily point out my pitfalls and flaws. It is easy to critique and hard to take those suggestions and employ them regularly and without fail. You can see someone else’s probems more objectively than your own. My life often feels like a giant game of Tetris. I can complete a super hard level, but there is no time to revel in it. What happens next? I level up and it is more challenging. The pieces drop into my lap at a faster rate of speed. My file cabinets and computer drives are filling up. My storage space is running low. I could buy more, but it won’t help me find what I am looking for in a pinch. I have over 127,000 photos in my iPhoto. 18 years of my life documented. I have been to a lot of cool places and taken some amazing shots. I was never great at deleting. I was also never good enough at sharing. I fantasized about selling my photos at fancy galleries.  I did a bunch of shows when I had more time on my hands. Nothing really came of it. I have been deleting as much as I am adding, so the growth of my collection has slowed. It has led me to the question of the week for me, which is: if things are getting harder, yet I am getting better at managing, are they ultimately the same? Last week I asked someone I knew how they were and they said,”Another day that ends in y.” I hadn’t heard that saying before.  I googled it (as I am apt to do) and it is a lyric from a country song. Though when I heard it, it hit me as “Another day that ends in ‘WHY’?” Where do you look to find your perspective?

 

To begin, begin

March 22, 2016Read More

To begin, begin. I have been told that by many wise people in my life.IMG_1532  I have spent too long holding back and keeping things to myself, for fear of having them taken from me. I have been too driven by perfection. I have been afraid to make a mistake, but I have come to see that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. I lost my father just over four years ago. I go through phases, but at this time of year it seems to hit me the hardest. It is my fifth walk around the circle, but it still stings. He was my philosophiser. He would have loved to help me grapple with the deep thoughts that have been on my mind. I spend too much time in my own head. It is time to start the conversation with others and to reach outside myself and find my tribe. Not all beginnings are big. Most are small. They start with a single step. This is taking me outside of my comfort zone and I am putting it out there before it is perfect. Why not? Good morning. What is on your mind?